Anger doesn’t come cheap. You might think it’s the most liberating thing in the world, to get angry and let it all out, and find yourself lost in fits of rage. But yeah, anger comes with a real heavy price. And sometimes, you end up doing things– stupid things, that you will definitely regret.
Stars. Tiny little dots that light up the night sky. Sometimes, you’ll see clouds. You know they’re clouds, because of the illumination brought by the light of the moon. Hah, the moon. I could just stare at it for hours, and I still wouldn’t be close enough to reaching it. It would be just like when I was a kid, wishing to see space using a high-power telescope. I’m still light-years away from realizing that dream.
It’s been a long time, but now the journey must come to an end.
It’s not really a surprise, because I was already looking forward to it. I could even say that it no longer came as a shock to me. At that time, I knew already what I needed to do. At best, I had about three months. Yes, there is always the hope of things taking a turn for the better; and yet I knew full well that the chances of such were too slim. I was inside a system that I knew I wouldn’t be able to survive on. Perhaps I was too proud, or maybe too stubborn to adhere to the system. The day to day mundane routine was starting to take its toll on me, and there came a point when I had decided that I was not one to let this go on forever.
With the way things are going now, I’ll either end up insane, or pretty much wasted, as I have always been.
How long ago has it been already? It has been more than a year, but not yet two, since the day that it started. A casual, almost ordinary event that I never knew would grow into one of the most extraordinary events in my life. I never expected that things would turn out this way, and when I say I never expected it, I mean I really didn’t expect it. Yes, there might have been little hints, or warnings, if you want to call them that. I simply plowed through because I never expected much in return. I had no ulterior motives for the things that I’ve done so far. I simply enjoyed doing them. Shallow, I think others would describe it as that.
Melancholic musings will always be a part of anyone who has ever felt low, or has at one point in their life felt so miserable from doing the things that ought to have meant something to them. You start out with that smile painted on your face, and yet by the end of the day, the smile starts to fade and discolor from the moisture brought about by your own tears. As night slowly creeps in to snatch any trace of light, you try to comfort yourself by hiding yourself in your own personal sanctum, dreading the coming of events that will once again leave you drained, and lifeless.
At kahit na anong gawin
Di mo na mapilit at madaya
Aminin sa sarili mo
Na wala ka ng maibubuga
-Apo Hiking Society, Tuyo ng Damdamin
Itong kantang ‘to ng Apo ay pumasok sa isipan ko habang kumukuha ako ng ECE Board Exam. Mas angkop pa nga ang title na Tuyo na Utak Ko eh, sa hirap nung exam. Normal lang naman daw yun, sabi ng mga kaibigan ko na nag-test na dati. Pero siyempre, iba pa rin yung maranasan mo yun para sa sarili mo. Kakaibang aroma! Kakaibang lasa! Pambihira, ako’y na WOW-pak na!
Sa ngayon, lahat kaming nag-take ng board ay hinihintay ang resulta. Karamihan sa amin eh negative thinkers, kahit pa yung mga mas lamang sa ‘min sa aral. Minsan nga eh nakaka-asar pakinggan eh, iniintindi ko na lang. Sa ganang akin lang, ipinapasa-Diyos ko na ang maaaring mangyari. At dahil ginawa ko yun, di ko na dapat pa hayaan na pasukin ang utak ko ng kaba at pagdududa.
Kahit minsan ay di maiwasan.
I just had a dream, and its impact was such that I had to write about it.
As I give it some more thought, now that I’m awake and aware of my surroundings, I realize more and more that the chances of that dream seeing the light of reality is almost near to null. I say almost near, because there will always be that minute longing inside me, secretly wishing for it to happen.
Improbable, because when someone you know puts up this much of an effort to distance themselves from you, you immediately catch on to the fallacy offered by the dream. You see the illusion, but find yourself pining for such an illusion.
Where does friendship end, and confusion begin?
This is one question that I certainly can’t figure out on my own, so feel free to share in my miserable ranting. I mean, when is a friend no longer just a “friend”? When do you start seeing her in a different light, and can you prevent this from happening? How do you stop something that comes naturally? Here I insert metaphors; they add some sort of flavor. “It’s like trying to stop the rain from falling, or the grass from growing.”