With the way things are going now, I’ll either end up insane, or pretty much wasted, as I have always been.
How long ago has it been already? It has been more than a year, but not yet two, since the day that it started. A casual, almost ordinary event that I never knew would grow into one of the most extraordinary events in my life. I never expected that things would turn out this way, and when I say I never expected it, I mean I really didn’t expect it. Yes, there might have been little hints, or warnings, if you want to call them that. I simply plowed through because I never expected much in return. I had no ulterior motives for the things that I’ve done so far. I simply enjoyed doing them. Shallow, I think others would describe it as that.
So where do I stand now on this? I certainly cannot quote a line or two from the late Michael Jackson’s song, “Ben“. There’s no “us“, there’s no “we“. It has always been “I“, and always has been “me“. I could perhaps cite a few lines from Engelbert Humperdinck’s “Last Waltz”: “I wonder should I go, or should I stay“.
It has certainly been a most wonderful journey, and everyday has been a blessing in its own right. But through the years, I’ve come to develop a sort of clairvoyance, and I know already how it’s going to end. Maybe that’s the problem? I already have this notion regarding the conclusion, so I end up living a life as though everyday I’m making my way to the gallows.
It has its advantages, yes. I’m able to do things I could never have done unless I was drunk, because I try to make each day as memorable as the one prior to it. I don’t drink, but the days since then always feel like a hangover that won’t go away.
Sometimes, I wish I could just close my eyes, and then never have to open them again to such a bleak, and unforgiving reality. But since it is that reality that I have to wake up to everyday, and it is that reality where I also find tranquility, that fair maiden whose presence has left me in a state of bliss, then I continue to do what I have always done: to carry on against it all.